"`Cause nobody wants to be the last one there. 'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares. Someone to love with my life in their hands. There`s gotta be somebody for me like that"
Lately I have been looking at all the pictures of my friends weddings and engagement pictures and for awhile I was dealing with feelings of jealousy, doubt and inadequacy. I mean, these beautiful girls found amazing guys that love them and want to spend forever with them... and I think that's absolutely wonderful and a beautiful thing and I can't help but to want that for myself as well. I was thinking- "well duh, they are beautiful, smart, and pretty much perfect, of course someone loves them". It made me feel like there was no way I would ever be loved like that, why would someone love me?? -- But! then today I was listening to a cover of "Gotta be Somebody" (by Nickleback) by a couple of girls in my ward at BYU (Breck&Meg) and it sounds sooo good. Anyway, it made me think- think about me and all the things that I don't like about myself, or things that I feel would make me harder to love- and I realized that there has gotta be someone for me out there, someone that can and will love me, someone I will love, and that makes me happy. There someone that will love me despite (or maybe because of) the fact: that I wear jeans and a t-shirt everday; that although I love soccer and sports, am not a big fan of camping; that I have a bunch of shoes but usually wear flip-flops or go barefoot; that I am impatient; that I am kinda bossy and like things done my way (aka the right way); that I would rather be ten minutes early than two minutes late; that I would rather hang out at home and just talk then go almost anywhere; that I mostly like things quiet during a movie, but also like to pause it occasionally and say what's on my mind; that I worry- about EVERYTHING; that I love country music; that I drool when I sleep; that sweats and a sweat shirt will win over a skirt and heels anyday; that I always wear my hair in a ponytail; that I'm Jaraka. I seriously just had a huge moment of self acceptance, I don't need to be anyone else- I'm good just as I am. Somewhere along the road I'll meet"the one" and just knowing that eventually it will happen makes me happy-- I have got A LOT of time and I guess I just realized that I need to enjoy the present, enjoy who I am now and what I have to do right now. I think that trying to impress people is not always a good thing; changing yourself to be accepted or liked by someone else is stupid. The people that make you want to be your best self are the people worth impressing, they won't change you- they will just help you be the best kind of person.
Anywho, I really just needed to write that all down... :)
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