How I Got Fat - A year by year breakdown.

*Disclaimer. This post isn't for you. It is long and personal. Read it if you wish, but please don't judge me. Writing this was a journey for me.*

As a child I always knew I was bigger than the other kids. I was never dainty or thin... but looking back at pictures of myself as a child, I don't think I was every 'overweight' or 'fat' (awkward and weird, most definitely). 

Jaraka at 10ish years old. 

Bryn and Me in 6th Grade

When I was in Junior High I started to get REALLY self conscious. I felt huge compared to my peers and I started wearing sweatshirts every day. every. single. day. I hated my body, and was always as covered up as I could possibly be. I needed the baggy-ness and the long, baggy sleeves.

Me and Noelia in 7th or 8th grade Art Class. :)

Me and my best friends in 8th Grade.

If you look at these pictures, I am happy, tan, and surrounded by people that love me... but I am also wearing a sweatshirt, because I hated the way the fat around my elbow squished when I bent my arm. I wouldn't even wear baggy t-shirts because I couldn't stand the way that fat squished. This continued through my junior year of High School. By Fall 2007 I started, started, to wear an occasional t-shirt. 

I also distinctly remember one conversation I had with one of my best friends in 8th grade Pre-Algebra. *Background knowledge: Look at your wrist? Do you have a little bone that pokes out on the outside of each wrist? I do, I always have... Idk why, apparently some people do and some don't.*  Looking at her own wrist she asked me if I had a bone sticking out on my wrist. I told her I did. She said, "Oh, good to know, because I've tried to gain weight to get rid of mine, but that won't fix it I guess." ... ... I know she meant nothing by it. Clearly she was feeling self conscious herself, but that conversation just reminded me how fat I was; how ugly I was. 

Then came high school. I don't have a lot of pictures from most of high school, mostly because it was pre-facebook, webcams, camera phones, etc. Most of the pictures I do have are from my senior year: 

The one and only dance I attended: Homecoming 2007

Senior Year Soccer Game (obviously)

Me and Shae before Prom our Senior year, I didn't have a date (obviously)

Okay, so far my confidence sucks, I think I'm horribly fat and ugly, I wear size Medium t-shirts and my pants are a 9-10 (by December of 2007 I was my skinniest, I remember because I bought a pair of size 7-8 jeans before my New Year's Eve date.) I don't really remember what I weighed, but I think around 150. I wasn't thin, I've never been, but I was fit and healthy. 

June 2008 (After grad, before college.)

But, after high school came college (Freshman 15 anyone). I moved away from home, started eating a lot differently, and stopped playing competitive soccer 6 days a week. I went from running 10-30 miles a week (between practice, training, and games), to doing zero exercise. 

December 2008

October 2008 

Those first few months I probably gained 5 pounds, lost muscle, but didn't gain a lot of fat and my body didn't change much. But something else did: my confidence. Suddenly, I didn't hate myself anymore. I didn't feel ugly. I started wearing real clothes, fitted jeans, cute shirts. I knew I wasn't skinny... but I also knew I wasn't fat. 

January 2009

Summer 2009

I had a fantastic summer nannying. I felt good, and I believed that I looked good. I had short, sassy hair and a tan. :) I wasn't exercising much, and I knew I was gaining weight. I remember weighing myself that first summer after college and promising myself I would never weigh 170 pounds. I think I weighed around 160 after a year of college. 

August 2009 - Beginning of Sophomore Year

 I had a really terrible Sophomore year. I was heartbroken beyond repair, and my best friends/roommates and I had a severe falling out. I was miserable for 8 months. I laid in bed and ate oreo milkshakes watching Redbox movies every night. I had no friends, got no exercise, and had zero reason to take care of myself. I am pretty sure I gained another 20 pounds this year.

Summer 2010.

I eventually kicked myself out of  my year long slump. I was happy again by summer time, but the extra pounds did not just disappear. I was self conscious, but also figuring out how to wear the right clothes to camoflage the growing waist. My confidence was pretty high, and I definitely didn't really see the changes in my body. Even now, I look at these pictures and think I look pretty good. The jeans I'm wearing here are a brand new size 12. The shirt was a size L in women's. I believe I was around 190 pounds here. 

I LOVED those jeans. They were a size 12 boyfriend style. Fab.
September 2010 - Beginning of Jr. Year

Halloween 2010. Did not feel like myself anymore...
but I had my first real boyfriend, so my young self was happy.

August 2011 - Beginning of Sr. Year

When I took this picture I know my stomach was sticking out, but I still felt beautiful. I was, for the first time in my life, getting attention from boys. People were telling me I was beautiful. I felt good. I as probably around 190 pounds here.  Those shorts are the same jeans as the ones I'm wearing in the previous picture.

If you're keeping track. That's 40 pounds gained in three years. 150 at high school graduation, 190 as a senior. That is gross. I don't know why I didn't stop it earlier. I knew I was getting fat. I remember having conversations with my grandma about wanting to just stop, stop gaining weight. Finally take control of my body... but again, I felt pretty. People were accepting me. I was accepting myself.

It gets worse... just wait.

Spring 2012

You can't tell in this picture, but I'm wearing the same shorts as the above photo. They were way too tight. The shirt, a uni-sex size Medium (which used to hang loosely and comfortably) was tight around my arms and chest and tummy. Ugh. Hate this. Why didn't this wake me up? I don't know. I was incredibly busy, and content.

April 2013 - BYU Graduation

I was incredibly busy this year, especially in the Spring. I was in a fragile relationship, in my final semester in the challenging BYU Management program, studying for the GRE, studying for my Science Praxis exam (for TFA teaching certification), working 25 hours a week, and helping my dad hire people for his business. I wasn't doing anything as well as I should have been. I was sedentary a lot. I gained another 20ish pounds that year.

I began college at 150 pounds, and graduated weighing a whopping 210 pounds. I gained 60+ pounds in four years. Ick. How is that even remotely okay? How did I let that happen? Why, Jaraka?

Oh just wait. That's not the worst of it. I've been graduated from college for about 18 months, living in Oklahoma for 16 months, working the hardest job ever for 15 months, in the best relationship I could ever imagine for 14 months. I've gained another 15 pounds since I've been here. I think most of them came those first 6-8 months. I know I've been maintaining the same weight for about a year.

That right. I now weight 225 pounds. I'm 23 years old, 5 feet 8 inches tall. I'm marrying my best friend in 10 weeks. I spend 7 hours a day with 26 amazing 10 year olds. I weigh 225 pounds.

This picture makes me want to cry. She looks so beautiful.
It was a wonderful day, and all I see when I look at it is my fat rolls.

Even the spanx I squeezed into didn't do enough to hide the bulge.

I adore this picture. I love that man. But I hate the way I look.

Embarrassing. 

 And that, my friends, is why I spend an hour uploading pictures of myself. Because I can't be 225 pounds anymore. I have a beautiful life: I love my fiance, I love my job, I have great friends. Everything in my life is wonderful, I'm so happy... which makes the despair I feel about my body all the more glaring. There shouldn't be anything holding me back. I have everything going for me... except my body is betraying my happiness. It's undermining the potential.

When I look at pictures of myself, or look in the mirror, I don't see myself. The person I see in the mirror does not match how I feel inside. I remember myself as I looked in 2010. That face is my real face, I don't recognize the face I see now. The most obvious change I see in the progression of these pictures is the way my faced has changed in the last year or two. Even as my body was changing between 2008-2011 my face stayed about the same, now it's different. It's that realization that has pushed me over the edge.

It's so embarrassing. I really don't want the whole world to read this... but I needed to do it. I need to put this out into the universe. I need to change it. I have to. I will, starting now.