Embracing Introversion

All my life I have been quiet, intellectual, anxious, and socially hesitant. As a child, when I was still evaluating myself solely on the qualities my parents expected of me, these traits didn't cause me many problems. Sure, birthday parties were a bit awkward and I was always anxious about arriving on time to everything, but generally I just read books and explored my own mind.

It wasn't until I was about 12 that I began to feel uncomfortable with my own aversions. Why couldn't I make friends easily? Why were group projects so difficult? Why did everyone always ask me if I was mad? I didn't understand who I was, or what it meant. I just knew that I was uncomfortable - a lot.

As I grew older and situations changed, I became less shy, but remained just as quiet. I had good friends, but not many. I didn't attend parties, dances, or many social events. I made good grades in school, but improvisation in Drama was painful, almost impossible. I was a leader on the soccer field, but worked alone in class. I wasn't unpopular, I even had friends who were friends with the popular kids. I was generally a normal kid, a normal, quiet, kid.

Here's just one of many possible examples:
After I graduated from high school, I spoke via Facebook to a young man with whom I had many classes during high school. We exchanged pleasantries, and he mentioned how it found it odd that I would talk with him on Facebook. I asked why, and he informed me that he always thought I didn't like him, because I would never talk to him or his friends during class. This was embarrassing, and a little defeating. I distinctly remember sitting in our AP Calculus class; a group of 6 or so of my peers, including my best friend, would gather their desks and work though our assignment together. I would remain in my seat, inches away, and work alone. Even thought I wanted to be a part of them, to feel included... I never could work up the courage to say anything. I always felt like they didn't like me, that I wasn't cool enough to work with them.  To hear this classmate say that he thought I would have been a great addition to their group was a bit sad; I began to wonder what I had missed out on because I couldn't speak up.

The only way I knew to describe myself was 'shy.' I was quiet, and 'shy.' I hated it and wished I could be 'as friendly as she was,' or 'as outgoing as he was.' I've written before about how my fears have caused me to miss out... and often it was fear of people that held me back the most.

College was an experience that required even more of my already lacking social aptitude. Dorms full of friendly, social people; networking luncheons in the Management Program; dating: it was all a constant struggle. I knew I was supposed to want to make friends and business connections, but I didn't want to, it was exhausting and I dreaded every required social engagement. I wished I could form relationship with my professors the way my friends Laci and Dustin did. I wished I could stand up for myself without my emotion and passion making me shaky and weak.

 I spent a lot of time alone in my room, and was generally okay with it. I knew I was good at a few things, and that that was enough for me.

Still though, it felt like a significant weakness, a lack, something I needed to fix if I ever wanted to be successful in life or in business.

It wasn't until I graduated from college and entered the workplace as a Teach for America teacher, that I truly began to explore and understand what these unsocial, intellectual, personal, quiet, tendencies really were: a characteristic, a trait, even a strength.

Introversion. I'm an introvert. Sure, I'd heard this word before, maybe even used it to describe myself... but this definition always carried negative associations: shy, awkward, anti-social, serious, lonely, weak, passive, submissive, weird. But, I began to see that this was not a fair evaluation. Why did I have to be loud? What was wrong with wanting to be alone? What's the problem with listening? So, I reflected on, read about, and discussed these traits and this term. I began to understand that introversion is not synonymous with weakness or socially-awkward.

You'll find many articles or buzzfeed lists about the qualities and quirks of Introverts.

Sorry, for some reason Blogger won't let me crop out the rest of my screen. I'll work on it.

There are a lot of articles, and I've read many of them. But my favorite, most eye-opening experiences was with a fabulous book called Quiet, the Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking, by Susan Cain. It's a fascinating read that explores the 'Extrovert Ideal', 'Pitfalls of the Extrovert Ideal', 'Defining Introversion', and much, much more.

Fundamentally, Cains argues that introversion is not a failing. She explains that these traits have been shown to be biologically based, and that they are potentially defining factors in our life-long temperament. Cains helped me to feel lucky to be an introvert, blessed to have a natural inclination to reflect, practice, and think. She makes my tendency of spending weekends at home with Jason, sound normal. As I read this book I felt empowered to be a quiet leader - a force to be reckoned with, not because I speak loudly or well, but because I speak and act with conviction. Quiet power she calls it. Quiet. Power.


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I have a lot to say on the topic. So, consider this part one in a multi-installment series on Introversion.