this is the kind of post...

... that I find annoying and whiny.

My sincere apologies, and a warning: this will annoy you because I'm going to whine.

I'm also going to reveal a bit about myself.

I have a riddle for you!

*** When I'm not in one I often desire one. When one's on the horizon I get excited and scared out of my theoretical pants. When I'm in one I want out almost as badly as I want it to last forever. When one's ended I feel sad, rejected, broken hearted. ***

The answer is... dun dun dun... relationships (obviously)

I have the hardest time with the word, or rather with the whole idea. I'm 21, one year away from graduating with my Bachelor of Business Management. One year away from Teach for America, or a graduate program of my choosing. One year away from more big, exciting choices brought on by the commencement of the post-college years. SO much of me wants to do big things, better things... to make my mark on society. I have latched on to Teach for America, and I don't think I can let go, or ever will have to. I want to be a part of something bigger, something monumental, something worthwhile.

The thing is, relationships at this time of my life kinda prevent me from doing whatever I want with my future. This makes me hesitant to attach to someone, someone who in all likelihood is not the one who is my one. Why risk it? Why waste time perusing something that is, looking at the odds, just a for now kind of thing? Especially when it'd potentially stop me from doing the things I have planned.

But, honestly, I think I could overcome these fears and give up these plans if I was convinced he was worth it. If he was my future. Because that'd be a better future than the one I have planned, I'm sure. But {here's the real problem} I have the hardest time being in a relationship. This is how it goes:

• STEP 1 meet boy
• STEP 2 boy really really likes girl
• STEP 3 girl likes boy
• STEP 4 boy wants to see girl every day, and because girl likes boy she wants to see him too
• STEP 5 boy asks girl to be his girl
• STEP 6 boy likes girl for another week or so
• STEP 7 boy gets bored
• STEP 8 boy leave girl just as she starts to trust and accept vulnerability
• STEP 9 girl is sad

You see the problem. This has happened multiple times and every time I think it'll be different. So, I try so hard to open up and I do. I do a good job at first... but I honestly am holding my breath waiting for the next step to happen. We're at about step 6 right now, and I'm waiting, just waiting for #7. I really don't want it to... but I feel as though it's bound to.

Do I make it happen? Perhaps it's a self-fulfilling prophesy, because I can't trust that it'll be different for once. Reading between the lines, reading into things I probably shouldn't, second guessing things I probably shouldn't. But when I tell myself I'm being paranoid, I feel vulnerable. What's worse? I always decide it's better to be vulnerable and get hurt... but dang it; it's hard.

I don't need advice, I just need to spell it all out. Try to understand myself by putting it into words. I don't know if I feel any better now, but it needed to be done.