Fear. Failure.

I've been very conflicted over the last few days.  I was really struggling with the decision I made to go to OK.  What if it was the wrong decision?????

I quite seriously considered staying. Changing my mind yet again.

and there is definitely a part of me that still wants to. 

But, I've decided that what I said in that blog post the other day is true. "God will not let my life go to waste." He has a plan for me.  I know he does.  I also know that that plan is different than the one I have for myself, that it is probably much harder, but, by that same token, much more rewarding.  You see, one of the biggest differences between me and God is that He loves me perfectly and sees me as what I have the potential of becoming.  He knows all of my flaws and weaknesses and shortcomings and failures and sins.  So do I.  But, He also sees all my strengths and successes and the positive influence I can have.  He sees me for all of me that is good, and holy and His DAUGHTER.  Whereas I mostly see myself as a very mortal, very flawed, very incompetent human being.  He sees my potential, I see my limitations.

He loves me far more completely than I can love myself.  So, I'm trusting him.  I'm saying, "Father, I am scared, and unsure of where I'm headed.  But, I know that if I stay close to thee that I'll be able to do it, whatever it is."

I've always been scared to do hard things.  My biggest fear is failure.  I'm SO scared of failing and letting people down.  It's something that has plagued me my whole life, so much so that I have skipped out on opportunities to do really great and rewarding things because of this fear.

When I was 10 years old I was a really good soccer player.  A coach of a competitive team a few years older than me asked me to tryout for his team.  I was too scared.

A few years later I was still a pretty good soccer player and I had the opportunity to tryout for the Utah ODP team.  I was too scared.

When I started school at Hillcrest (one term into my 9th grade year) I should have taken Honors Earth Science and Honors English.  I was too scared.  It sounded too hard.

When it came time to apply to colleges I applied to ISU and BYU.  I knew BYU was the better school, and I had scholarships that covered approximately the same costs.  I was SO close to going to ISU just because I was scared of being in Utah, away from my family (yes, I was scared to go to BYU).  But my dad convinced me to go when he told me that going to ISU was the easy way out.  {Not to say that ISU isn't a good school, because it is, which is why I applied in the first place.  My parents went there and my sister goes there now.} BYU was the better choice for me. BYU's business program would be challenging and fulfilling and would give me a great place to start.

After 18 months at BYU it was time to apply to the business program.  I was SO scared and honestly considered not applying because I was so nervous that I wouldn't get in and that I'd be a disappointment to my parents and everyone who knew I was applying.  But, I did apply and I got in with no problem whatsoever.

I'm sure you get the point.  I've had a lot of great opportunities that I [almost] gave up on simply because they were hard.  I'm not lazy.  I'm not unmotivated or unintelligent.  I work so hard and try to succeed at everything I do.  That's why it's so scary, because, what if, after all my hard work and dedication and determination, I fail??  That's why I consider it a legitimate fear, not just an aversion or a determent.

Thankfully I have awesome parents who, like my Heavenly Father, see my for what I can do and who I can be.  They have been the ones who have convinced me to keep trying and to challenge myself and shoot for the stars.  And, thus far, they've been pretty right about everything.  I'm so grateful that my mom convinced me to start signing up for AP and Honors classes, and that my dad convinced me to go to BYU.

But now, now I'm an adult and I have to convince myself.  My parents have told me a 1000 times that they'll support me in whatever I decide to do {even though I now want them to tell me what do to!} and so it's up to me to take everything they've taught me and put it to good use.

I can do hard things.  I do do hard things.  I'm going to do hard things.