I haven't written something substantial in a LONG time. I just couldn't justify spending time blogging when I had {actually, HAVE, but I can't resist any longer} so much to do. But, now that I've graduated [yes... I said it, GRADUATED] I have a bit more free time.
I have about a million more pictures, but I don't have the
patience for uploading them at the moment. Consider these a sneak peak.
I have so much to say. A lot has happened in the last couple months and even more in the last week or so. But, I'll start here:
Isn't it strange how alone we can feel when we are surrounded by people. Even when they are our favorite people in the whole wide world (aka my family), their presence seems to be just too little to reach into the empty cavities of our beings. I don't feel this way often, actually, quite rarely. But the feeling has crept into my consciousness pretty regularly in the last few days.
I know what it stems from.
I think I can define its two simple sources.
First, I'm moving to Tulsa, Oklahoma in about 5 weeks. I'll be leaving E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E. I know and love behind me. I don't know a single soul in that great state and I'll be embarking on one of the most difficult journeys of my life. It's going to be scary, and hard, and undoubtedly lonely. I think the loneliness is trying to get a head start... I can't help but think about how far away that is, now foreign and new and different. and scary.
Second, as a result of my decision to go forward with my plan to move to OK, I'm alone in a way I haven't been since around Thanksgiving time. And, when it comes at the end of a togetherness, loneliness is especially difficult to bear. This is the most persistent cause of my ache and I've really only been in this solitary state for a few days. It hurts, and, quite frankly, I hate it. All I want to do is pout as I eat ice cream and watch movies. Thankfully, I have a very pressing Praxis exam just around the corner that is demanding all my attention. It hits me in waves, my love for him overwhelms me momentarily, and I push it away with all the gusto I can muster. Because, as scared as I am about OK and all that awaits me there, I also struggle with the fear that I am making an awful mistake and will remain in this lonesome state forever.
Deciding to go is one of the [if not the single] most difficult decisions I've ever made and it has been plaguing me for about 4 months now. It's kind of pitiful (or extremely lucky) that the hardest decision I've ever had to make was between two very good and worthwhile choices. I lived a blessed life, of that I am sure. Nevertheless, it's been a trying experience and one that has caused me to reflect on my priorities and goals in life. Unfortunately, the only explanation I have for the choice I made is that it is what feels the most right, deep down in my gut, deep under all the fear and hesitation and my desire to be loved and my drive to succeed. Another way to say it, perhaps, is that, in all of this decision making, I have had to rely on the simple feeling of peace I feel in my heart. That is a lot more tangible to me than anything else I have tried to hold on to, and it is the only thing that has given me the confidence to make the decision I have made.
The confusing thing about this peace, is that I could feel it when I considered each option... which, though I often cursed as an unnecessary hurdle, is an incredible blessing. The blessing of knowing that my Heavenly Father will not let my life go to waste, that He will guide me no matter where I go, that He has a plan for me that is greater than the one I have for myself.
Mosiah Chapter 7: 33
"But IF ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him will all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage."
I can say without a shadow of doubt that I COULD NOT have accomplished what I have, in the past 22 years, without Him. What would make the next 4 days (as I cram for the Praxis exam), or the 5 weeks (before I go) or the 5 weeks following (when I'm in 16 hour training days) or the 3 years after that (when I give my all to teach these kids) any different? Hallelujah for this knowledge and Hallelujah for the peace He gives me.
Back to that gut feeling, it's that feeling that is the deciding factor really. Because, as I read once, "You can run from something chasing you, but you can't run from something inside you." Going to OK and being a member of TFA has become something so important to me that it feels like it's pulling me there from the deepest part of me.
Remember a few paragraphs ago when I said I am terrified of being lonesome forever... thanks to this peace I feel I KNOW that isn't going to be my fate. Now, I may be alone for much longer than I want to, and maybe even much longer than my most pessimistic projections, but not forever. And that, is good enough for me.
Why?
Because in the mean time I'm going to be kicking some serious @$$. :)
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