Teaching and Relationships

Blogging is usually the result of a brain cramp. I've been writing math exit tickets for the rest of the year (until testing) and my brain has HAD it... for a little while. So, I'm watching The Ugly Truth, and blogging.

I've said it before, teaching is the most difficult thing I've ever done. Much more difficult than I ever could have anticipated. One difficulty that I didn't anticipate, but definitely should've, is my tendency to pull away from relationships when I am uncomfortable. I mean, I did anticipate it, but I didn't think it would be such a hurdle.

Teaching is about relationships. It is about how I, as a person and an educator, connect with my students and their education.

"What a teacher is, is more important that what he teaches." - Karl Menniger

"The best teachers teach from the heart, not from the book."

"I've come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element in the classroom. It's my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher, I possess a tremendous power to make a child's life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal.  In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a child humanized or de-humanized." - Dr. Haim Ginott

I have always struggled to build relationships. I'm a quality-of-relationships focused person, always having 2 or 3 close friends... and not many others. My safe place is not and has never been with people. I'm comfortable with myself, with numbers, plans, and data. I'm comfortable with the facts, with what this job is about. I've been challenged by the absolute necessity of building relationships with my students, their families, and my coworkers.

I can honestly tell you that my students don't trust me, they don't love me. We work together all day, everyday, but there is still a tension. My principal has pointed it out, my TFA mentors and coaches have noticed it.

If you haven't taught, or worked closely with kids, you may not understand why this is such a problem. Let me see if I can explain... I prepare a lesson, a lesson that I know my kids NEED in order to succeed, I prepare the materials, I stand in front of them and try to teach it. They talk. They ignore me. They don't trust that my lesson is important. They don't believe that listening to me is the most important thing for them in that moment. They won't even let me get far enough into my lesson to explain to them why it is important.

It's incredibly frustrating. It wears me out and it wears me down. I feel defeated after every lesson.
The worst part is, it's all my fault. I know that it is possible to build trust, relationships, caring, and commitment... it's just really hard for me... and I think it may be too late with these kiddos. It's February, we have about two months until testing. Two precious months. We've learned a lot, but the main priority now is that they master it all. That they are prepared to do well on the test.

To try and make up for 6 months of inconsistency, trepidation, harsh reactions AND master content may be just too much.

So, I've learned a lot... and I certainly haven't given up on building relationships, but I have to face the fact that some damage has been done, some time has been lost.

It's been a scary unveiling of weaknesses. A trying evaluation of self. It makes me sad. I am disappointed. Most of all, I'm scared that I've caused them irreparable damage, wasted time we'll never get back. Hurt their futures. :(

I don't think I'm an awful teacher... I have redeemable qualities, and I want SO badly to be good at my job, to do right by my kids. But, this weakness will be something I have to overcome (one bit at a time) if I'm ever going to be a good teacher, let alone a great one.