butterflies

I had some thoughts today.

and i don't want anyone to see this as a sad post, because it's not. quite the opposite.

So, there is one boy (1) who has E.V.E.R. given me that real sweatypalms-heartbeatingfast- butterfliesinmytummy feeling.

he was the first boy i ever felt anything for.

this was three years ago, and even after all that time i still remember how h

e made me feel, how anxious and excited and nervous i got when i knew i'd get to see him.

i've liked a few boys since then, perhaps even loved one.

but. i can't escape those feelings, or the lack there of.

perhaps i'm jaded, perhaps these are only feelings one feels with one's first love

but perhaps not. perhaps i'll feel it again, and then i'll know [KNOW] it's real. different.

sometimes, i kiss boys, and consciously search for the feeling.

i try and make myself extra aware of the emotions i feel

and i justify it. saying "this is good enough"

but is it??

what is?

i'll let you know if i figure it out :)

when. WHEN i figure it out.

ps. this boy.... he broke my heart. once upon a time.