(Un)Dependable

I'm giving myself 5 minutes... but I need to write.

I am a very dependable person, even to a fault.  If I say I'm going to do something, you can consider it done.  You need me to be there, I will be, and early.  I committed to soccer teams for 15 years and missed 2 of 300* games (when I was 10); and I missed, maybe, 5 practices in those 15 years and was to every early morning, late night, dead of winter, training session.  I'm nothing if not dependable.  I can count the number of college classes I've missed on one hand. Same with the number of days of school I missed in the 12 years of education before college.  I've babysat, served in young woman presidencies, coached, performed in plays, had a job since I was 16 years old, and done so so much more... and never missed a single commitment. EVER.

.... .... .... at least before this semester .... .... ....

I think that's how I really know that I'm trying to do too much.  I'm letting everyone down.  I've missed classes, been late to work, done half of my church calling requirements (on the last possible day), let my friends hanging, turned in half done assignments, said, "I will do that today" and didn't, turned up empty handed to more than one meeting, didn't show up to meetings altogether, skipped soccer practices, let people down, left forgotten text messages unanswered.

I've lost the one things about myself that I was so proud of.  I knew that when all of my weaknesses surrounded and suppressed me that I could feel good about the fact that people could rely on me.

Perhaps that sounds dramatic, but I defined myself by this virtue.  The one thing I could always do right.

I feel awful.  I am giving 10 people a 50% result instead of 5 people a 100% result and it's far less satisfying.

That's the main reason I want the semester to be over.  Never again will I commit myself to so much at one time.  I didn't do it on purpose... it just happened one thing at a time.

Not to mention that my room entire apartment is filthy, as is my hair, my basket of dirty clothes, my car (especially the trunk). I haven't unpacked, haven't been to the gym in at least a month, have holes in most of my shoes and pants. I'm taking a very important test in 12 days that I am on track to fail, ate at Wendy's and now feel sick, and have massive, epic decisions to make very soon. :( Throwing a pity party up in here!

15*2*10 = 300 * this is an estimate of the number of games I've had in my life.  It's probably close to 350+ but I wanted to be conservative.