Expectations.

Sometimes. Sometimes the day is a struggle reconcile my perceptions of people and things and myself, with the perceptions other people have about me and things and themselves.

Do I expect too much?  Too little?
Am I being fair?
Am I being honest?
Am I loving the way I want and expect to be loved?
Am I selfish?

It's hard work.  All this evaluation and introspection.
Especially when dealing with the emotional roller coaster fueled by my hormones.  


(You can expect an excessively long and rambly post from here on out)

One fact about Jaraka: I don't hold grudges.  I tend to forgive people very quickly, never to look back on past wrong doings.  I understand that this is something a lot of people struggle with and I know it is, ultimately, a blessing.

But, as a result of that, I don't like tension. Some people, would expect that to mean that I avoid conflict, or shy away from confrontation.  That's not true.

I always welcome the opportunity to deal with an issue upfront.  I like grievances to be aired and compromises found, forgiveness given and accepted.  I like to "build a bridge and get over it" as people say.  I like people to be honest with me about what they do and do not like about me, or what they expect from me or wish I would begin or stop doing.  I like an open line of communication in which any underlying malfunctions in a relationship can be ironed out and dealt with head on.

Unfortunately, a lot of people don't deal with conflict this way.  This means that when I want to talk about something that's bothering me, I can be perceived as confrontational or unnecessarily haughty.  It's frustrating.  Especially because when I feel strongly about something (positively or negatively) I can't hide emotion from my voice.  [I've blogged about this issue before]

Some times it's really hard.  I don't enjoy criticism, and sometimes my feelings are hurt initially. I can get defensive, it's true. In fact, I'm far (farfarfarfarfarfarfar) from perfect in dealing with criticism.  But, when both parties are interested in the future of their relationship, I have found that in the end it leads said relationship to be much more fulfilling and worthwhile.

Remember that episode of The Big Bang Theory when Penny and Leonard decide to make 'bug lists'?  I think we all have these 'bug lists' in our minds, a list of things that we don't particularly like about something, or even lesser infractions that are simply 'slight annoyances.'

This doesn't just apply to romantic relationships, actually, those relationships are different in many ways.  I'm talking about my relationships with my roommates, siblings, coworkers, bosses, employees, coaches, teammates, etc.

I'm not suggesting compiling a list of these 'bugs' because that's not productive or healthy at all, especially when many of them have no weight on the relationship.  But, I do advocate for a healthy conversation about small ways we can change to make someone else happier, make their life easier.

One person who has helped me strengthen my belief in true, honest communication is my [old] boss Chris.  Chris was a great boss and he taught me everything I know about running that little Deli, and even more about myself.  Chris told me what he liked about my work and what I was good at; he always took advantages of moments of praise.  BUT, one of the things I like most about having Chris as my boss is that he would tell me what I was doing wrong, or better said, what I could do better.  He challenged me.  It was hard.  He probably doesn't think I got much out of those conversations because I usually got quiet and maybe even defensive.  BUT, I was always able to grow from his advice and his constructive criticism. He helped me grow. Additionally, in return, he always responded very well to anything I need him to do to help me or things that he was doing which was making my job more difficult.

My desire for open communication has increased substantially as I've gotten older and moved in with roommates and dated boys.  I've had some roommates that I had awful, horrible relationships with because we could not be mature enough to have open and honest conversations about our expectations of each other.  I've dated some boys with whom I was often miserable because we could not have an open and honest conversation about expectations.  I have a great relationship with my parents because, as I have matured, I have been able to understand their expectations of me (as their daughter, as a member of their household, etc), and my expectations of them (of advice and guidance, but not of control).

I think that's what it comes down to.  It's the thing that makes relationships hard.  Expectations.

I've heard it said that the thing young married couples struggle with is the lack of communication about what each expects of the other.  We are raised in households where certain things become the norm and therefor expect that these same traditions and rituals will exist in our future home.  The tricky thing is, our spouses have had different experiences and have different expectations.

Anyway, I've struggled lately with my expectations of people and their expectations of me.  I am in a bit of a transition and it's been difficult to adjust each of my relationships to deal with the changes.